Friday, 30 September 2016

How to Survive Costco with a Toddler


  • Stop at Starbucks. You need 1 caffeinated beverage and 2 cake pops.
  • Immediately hide 1 cake pop in purse.
  • Proceed to Costco. 
  • Shot gun cafffeinated beverage , tighten up your shoe laces and consult husband on Costco budget. 
  • While Toddler is happily munching on cake pop #1 make your way through the beginning aisles.
  • Pick out pyjamas your child does not need, chocolate almonds - because your hungry, flannel sheets because it’s fall and why not. You know the drill.
  • Avoid all new cookbooks . Husband will bury you in all of your cookbooks you haven’t cooked from if you show up with another one. 
  • Definately pick up a new magazine. Hello! They are 30% off !!! 
  • Hit the toy aisle for toy child can not have but can look at (read : play with) while you shop. (As much as he can while still in the box..because obvs you will not be buying this toy.)
  • Avoid all salesmen kiosks.  (IE. blender demos, cell phones, amazing bamboo bedding “that’s on sale for 80% off!” ). Cake pops are at most a two bite snack and thats time wasted that you just can not afford.
  • Recognize early signs of TMS. (Toddler Meltdown Syndrome). Surprise Toddler with second cake pop.
  • Breathe a sigh of relief. Wipe sweat from brow. Continue shopping.
  • Pick up lifetime supply of toilet paper, garbage bags, coconut sugar, bag of baby cucumbers , etc etc.
  • Wait in line for sample. Do quick & discreet sniff test to make sure you dont have B.O. Its starting to get warm in there.
  • Do quick add up of items. Ignore sinking feeling that you have already gone over budget.
  • Consult husband via text on flexibility of budget for Costco shop. ( oh you don’t do that.. skip this step.) "Oh..original budget was supposed to include groceries for the next two weeks.." Right.
  • Acknowledge buyer's remorse signs and retrace your steps and return lifetime supply of toilet paper, garbage bags, coconut sugar,sheet set, almond butter, hemp seeds, and pick up coffee beans , more vegetables and milk. Yes, put the $25 bag of chocolate almonds back. 
  • Count up cost of items left in cart.
  • Retext husband revised list of cart items.. B.O. check. 
  • Hand over phone to Toddler. Shits getting real, he’s starting to lose it and wants to go home. 
  • Head to the cashier and wait in line. Contemplate if you can make the 30minute drive home without a pee stop. You could pee here but Toddler needs change of scenery yesterday.
  • Smile at the two young body builders behind you who are only carrying a bag of lemons and their protein powder , offer to let them go ahead and try with all of your might to not ask them "why the lemons?"
  • It’s your turn! Ask Cashier to subtotal half way through your items to make sure you can accomodate that hot wheels track you may have hid under that 5 pack of romaine lettuce heads. You don't' know when you'll be back and that looked like a promising birthday present for Toddler.
  • Proceed to exit the store and head back to vehicle. Careful to avoid blind shoppers who are racing to find the exit inside this maze of a parking lot.
  • Ask Toddler to pee on tree behind truck because you parked on the other side of the city.. I mean, parking lot.
  • Buckle Toddler up and hand over fistfuls of veggie stix and have a little prayer that Toddler has a nap home . 
  • Jump in the driver seat and stretch that kink out of your neck . Hooray ! You did it! 
  • Then suddenly realize you forgot to pick up night time diapers..and milk. FFS. Text husband shopping list. 
I mean, these are just suggestions.. 
And if you asked my husband, his tip would be to just stay in bed.

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